Sunday, August 31, 2008

Day One-Hundred-Sixteen...A Day of Changes

As some of you know, I've decided to head back to school to...well, to make myself a little more employable. I've had NOTHING but struggles trying to get into a full time, permanent teaching position. It's been SO VERY FRUSTRATING! Oh, and as an update, I didn't get the ASL job to the North. I emailed the principal and asked what the status was on my application. He said that I wasn't recommended for the next step because I didn't have the level of knowledge of instructional methods and assessment for ASL as he would have expected for that position. I was SO relieved to hear that it WASN'T because of a nasty reference from my last position. Anyway, that email got me thinking...and Sulla got me thinking, too...about what I really need to do. I am at such a crossroads right now. I'm not employed full time. I have the opportunity to go back to school for whatever I want to do. What decision should I make?

Well, I thought, and prayed, and prayed and thought. I asked myself, "What kinds of things do I need to do to make myself a better teacher?" and "What kinds of methods was the principal looking for?" and "Should I just go with what I want to do and get the English degree because that will be SO MUCH FUN or should I try something that will actually make me better at what I do?" Well, after much prayer, I decided I would turn to the internet! Ok, I just wanted to see if what I was sensing from the Lord was feasible. I know it's possible, but I wanted to see if I was hearing correctly.

And, much to my surprise, I was.

I Googled the question, "What education does an ASL teacher need?". And, right away, among other sites, the website for the ASLTA popped up. The ASLTA is the American Sign Language Teacher's Association. I actually belong to the WA-ASLTA (Washington Chapter of the ASLTA), but not the National organization. I'm going join just as soon as I can! Anyway, they gave several out-of-state universities that have Deaf Studies degrees. One is at CSUN (California State University at Northridge), a VERY popular West-Coast university for ASL-related studies. Another, which I wouldn't mind going to at all, is at Gallaudet in Washington DC. Now, the only part about getting another degree, especially from one of these universities, would be the relocation. My heart sank when I saw all of their recommendations were for universities out of state. The closest is in Californa. I don't like California. I have a hard time when it gets over 70 degrees. And, I don't want to move anywhere.

So, I thought, OK, Lord, maybe I didn't hear from you. Maybe I'm just projecting what I want onto what I think you're saying to me.

But, then, it hit me. One of the Community Colleges in town has a 2-year AAS Degree in Deaf Studies. It's only a few miles away! I can live here, work here, and get my degree. Now, for those of you who don't know, I already have my AA, my BA, and my MA. My AA is a general transfer degree. My BA is in Special Education and Elementary Education, with my teaching certificate. And, my Masters Degree is in Deaf Education. It might seem silly for me to "regress" and get another AA degree, but it's the content I'm missing.

Let me explain...

I grew up learning ASL. I grew up learning Deaf Culture. I grew up immersed in Deaf History. But, I never learned how to teach it. I learned ASL from friends, teachers (informally, in class as a means of learning another subject), and from adults. I took 1 ASL class when I was 23 because my work paid for it...and I wanted to increase my GPA. But, that was in 1999...9 years ago! I don't remember any of the assignments or activities. I don't remember the "grammar structure" of ASL, or any of the other components of ASL. I know the language. I'm fluent in it, but have never had it broken down for me. I can tell you when an aspect is missing, but I couldn't tell you what it's called.

The same is true with Deaf Culture and History. I could tell you the names Laurent Clerc, Alice Cogswell, Thomas Hopkins Gallaudet, Howie Seago, AG Bell, Helen Keller, Ken Mikos, Ella Mae Lentz, Jason Zinza, I. King Jordan. But, I have never seen those names brought to life. I have NO idea how to incorporate their significance into a lesson plan.

This predicament would be like any of you, being fluent in a language, going to a foreign country and trying to explain it without having taken formal classes. Say you learned Spanish from a friend growing up...using it every day for 15 years. Say you could get along perfectly in a Mexican restaurant, and hold your own while watching a Novella, or in a conversation. You are fluent in Spanish, a near-native speaker. Now, imagine you were invited to teach Spanish at a High School. Would you feel comfortable? No. That's what I was trying to do. I am a native-speaker (well, as near-native as you can get) and I was trying to go from a Mexican restaurant to a classroom...unprepared. It didn't work.

So, what do I do? I go get prepared! That means...drumroll please...I'm going back and taking ASL 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6! LOL! I KNOW! Hysterical, isn't it? I'm already fluent in the language and I'm going to take those classes anyway. Silly? No. Why, you ask? Because I will not only be learning the things I missed (like the labels and correct grammar/syntax, etc.), I will be gleaning teaching techniques from my instructors to be used within my classroom. Ah-ha, you say! I'll be stealing their ideas! Yes. I will. But, in the education world, we call that collaboration! Thank you, Dr. Hartnett! Actually, I will be using what I learn, taking that information and molding it to my teaching style. It will also allow me to match my curriculum with the articulation agreement that this particular community college has with the high schools in the area. Under that specific agreement, in an effort to attract high school students to ASL-, or Deaf-related education and jobs after graduation, students who earn a B or better in an approved teacher's class will receive college credits for those classes, thereby eliminating 2 - 3 classes they have to take, and pay for, once they graduate. It's a win-win-win situation. I was working on becoming approved when I got sick last April.

So, anyway, that's where I'm going. Right now, I'm trying to figure out if I can do it with my work schedule. I have to work full time if I want to go to school. I have a family for which I have to provide. It's kinda nice having people relying on me again, but at the same time, it's quite a responsibility. Sulla and I are the bread-winners in our house right now and neither of us are working! In fact, both of us are going back to school to better ourselves. He's going for Computer Drafting and Design and I'm going for Deaf Studies...something we're each passionate about...and good at!

So, I'll be taking a variety of classes. Like I said, I'll be taking ASL I - VI. I'll also be taking Deaf Culture classes and ITP (Interpreter Training Program) classes. Because many of the districts are taking ASL and putting it in a Career and Technical Education category (for financial reasons), ASL teachers are expected to bring ASL/Deaf-related jobs and skills into the classroom. So, that's why I'm taking the ITP classes. And, who knows, if I play my cards right, I just might come out a certified Interpreter, too! Wouldn't that be cool!

Well, if I've calculated correctly, my schedule for the next 2 years will look like this:

Fall 2008:

~ ASL I
~ Deaf-Blind Interpreting
~ Survey of Interpreting

Winter 2009:

~ ASL II
~ Ethics of Interpreting
~ Spanish I (Ok, that's not in the program, but I've always wanted to learn Spanish!)

Spring 2009:

~ Introduction to Deaf Studies
~ Spanish II
~ Comparative Linguistics: ASL and English

Summer 2009: (this is tentative...I may just take the summer off!)

~ Interculture Communication
~ ASL III
~ Spanish III

Fall 2009:

~ ASL IV
~ ASL-to-English Interpretation
~ English-to-ASL Interpretation

Winter 2010 (Oh, my goodness, can you believe I'm talking about 2010? Scary!):

~ American Deaf Culture
~ ASL V
~ Interpreting in Specialized Settings (this brings in several ASL- or Deaf-related fields: mental health, medical, legal, educational k-12, substance abuse programs, performance and religious settings)

Spring 2010

~ ASL VI
~ ASL Theatre
~ Survey of Hearing Impairment (this one I may ask to waive. I just took it in grad school. I may take it again, though...just to have it all fresh).

All told, it will be 96 credits, another complete degree, and at half the cost of the university I was attending for my English degree. Literally, half the cost, twice the education. And, it will further me in my career goals much better than the (ever-so-fun, but ever-so-frivolous) English degree.

And, it should fit nicely around my subbing schedule and my PSA schedule. I feel very much at peace about it.

Thank you, Jesus, for showing this to me. Thank you, God, for shutting the door on the English degree by making me not feel at peace about it. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for prompting me to look at what I had planned and compare it to what God said about it. Thank you, God, for reaffirming my belief that this is the way I am supposed to go.

Ok, g'nite! I AM going to church tomorrow! That's another blog, but I'm excited! I'm going back to church, AND going to get connected with a Young Women's group. Ok, I'll share. I was on my church's website, looking over the calendar. Our mid-week services have been on hiatus for the last few weeks, winding down from the summer and gearing up for Fall. So, I haven't been able to jump right in like I wanted to. And, interestingly enough, that's been ok. Turns out, as I was on the calendar, I found a link to a woman's name, email and phone number. The link was for a "Young Women's Home Group". At first, I thought, "I'm probably too old. They're probably look at right out of high school through 29 or 30. That was the enemy! I emailed this woman anyway, just asking for clarification. She said she was looking for women between 25 and 35. I WAS ELATED! YAY! I'm still YOUNG! LOL! Anyway, we'll be starting up on Wednesday nights, the first night being the 10th, at the church. We're going to be studying a book called "Secrets of the Secret Place". Oh, that's JUST what I've been needing. I have REALLY been experiencing a time of making up for things I've missed. I've missed in the ASL classes. I've missed out in church. I've missed out in my relationship with Christ and how that works. But, God is bringing all of those things around and working them out. He is GOOD!

Ok, so now I really AM going to bed. I have to get up in 7.5 hours. I should have been in bed HOURS ago! I had a HORRIBLE migraine on Friday and ended up sleeping until 5:30 Friday evening. Needless to say, I wasn't tired when everyone else went to bed! Heh! So, I was up until 6:30 this morning! I went to bed and probably fell asleep by 7:00 - 7:15 or so. It was light out...that's all I know! Ha! Anyway, I purposely set my alarm to get up no later than noon so I'd be nice and tired come bed time. Well, as you can see, that didn't work! LOL! Well, actually, I was tired ALL day...even considered a nap around 4:50 - 5:00. But, no, I kept myself up, working on my class schedule so I could go to bed descent. Again, didn't work! I caught a second wind! Sigh...

Ok...NOW I'm going to bed. I'm out of things to talk about. For now...

Hee Hee!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Day One-Hundred-Fifteen...Promise Number Three

So, this promise has actually been significant in my life several times. But, none more so than tonight. I discovered that ex-roomie has taken the rest of my cable equipment and done something with it...other than handing it over to the cable tech on July 15th...like she was supposed to do. So, I now have a bill for cable of over $615, which, incidentally, includes her and her mother's portion of the cable from May 20 to June 30th. So, not only does she owe me 1 DVR box and a cable modem, she owes for 2/3 of the cable bill, 2/3 of the garbage bill, 2/3 of the PUD bill and 2/3 of the PSE bill. All total, just in the bills, she owes me $187 and change...and that's AFTER I used the $150 she had in my account for her groceries (yes, the one she is accusing me of stealing...ummm...hello...it went to pay for part of your bills!).

When, I confronted ex-roomie on it, her true colors really showed (as if I couldn't see them before). She, naturally, had to resort to name-calling: childish, worthless pratter, someone whose life is a mess and doesn't even have the remote chance of ever being a mother, a life with no value, a little girl, pobrecita (Spanish for poor little girl), deluded, the mother of none, not important, jealous, incestuous, a liar, irrational, unbecoming (she thought I was begging for money). It was quite interesting. You know when you have a lightbulb moment and you see things clearly, for what they really are, for the first time? I had one of those today. Moob didn't divorce her ex because he cheated on her. He cheated on her because she drove him away. Things didn't go exactly as she had planned and she drove him away. Does that excuse what he did? Uh, heckno-techno! But, it does EXPLAIN it! I just feel bad that Millyra, and now Olorin, are caught in the middle of it and are helpless to do anything about it.

You know, I told Moob that I had been more of a mom to her daughter in the 2 1/2 years I knew her than she would EVER be in her entire life, just by donating an egg. And, it's true. (Pardon me while I rant a little...I need this!). Who was it that showed this little girl unconditional love? Me. Who was it that led her to the Lord? Me. Who was it that showed her things in Scripture? Me. Who was it that taught her to pray? Me. Who was it that she stayed with on Mother's Day because she wanted to go to church? Me. Who taught her to love reading? Me. Who helped her be successful in school? Me. Who was it that showed her how to care for others? Me. Who was it that stayed with her mother in the hospital for 2 nights after emergency surgery, sleeping in a recliner made for someone who weighs less than 150 pounds, wiping her butt because she couldn't reach it herself, and the nurse wouldn't do it without latex gloves (she's allergic to latex)? Me. Who took an entire week off work when she came home (which contributed to losing the job), slept on the couch, and jumped every time Moob woke up to make sure she was ok? Me. Who was there when Millyra had cramps and needed some cuddle time, and didn't mind being woke out of a dead sleep to minister to the emotional needs of an 11-year-old in pain, even though Moob was awake downstairs playing on her computer? Me. That's what being a mom is all about. Not giving birth. Any idiot can give birth. I don't have children and am still a mom. She has had a child and is no where NEAR being a mom. That's the REAL miracle of childbirth.

And, you know...I think my perspective on motherhood has really changed. I've always felt bad because I don't have kids. I want them SO much. I've always felt a failure as a woman because I don't have kids. I've always felt less. But, on Mother's Day this year, my Pastor was honoring all of the mothers. I've already blogged about this, but it's significant to my feelings and reactions today. He wanted all of the moms in the sanctuary to stand up. Then, he said all women who were 21 or older could join them. I thought at first he meant all the moms who were 21 or older can join them. But, he said, "No, I want every woman in here who is 21 or older to stand up. Even if you don't have children by birth, you're still mothering someone." I was speechless. He was right. I didn't have children by birth, but I was still a mom. I got a flower and chocolate along with all the other moms. What an amazing day. That felt so good...to be acknowledged. And, that is something that Moob will never understand. She ASSUMES that she gets to be loved as a mother just because she's given birth...that she has the corner on that market. I told her tonight that Millyra HAS to love her because she's her birth child. But, Millyra CHOSE to love me. And that's something Moob will never understand...having someone CHOOSE to love her.

Now, the paragraph before the last is RIDDLED with "ME, ME, ME", and normally I'm not all about "ME". However, I wanted to prove a point. Not that anyone reading this will need that point proven to them, but sometimes it feels good to just write it down! The point is that some people are takers and others are givers. I try my DARNDEST to be a giver. It's just my personality. I have given and given and given. It seems like all that giving has gone unnoticed. There's an old saying, "No good deed goes unpunished" and, boy, have I felt like that. It seems like all I do is try to help people, give people what they need and more, provide for others, minister to others, take them in, share my family with them...and get kicked in the teeth. My sister did that...my boyfriend did that...my cousin did that...and now my friend did that. You'd think that after so many times, I'd finally get it through my thick skull! Knock it off, already! But, no! That's what the enemy wants me to believe. That's where I have to hold onto this third promise (do you like how I tied that in? Not too shabby!). Everything that I have done...everthing that has been done to me...God sees and works together for good BECAUSE I love Him and am called according to His purpose. It is HIS purpose for me to give. It is HIS purpose for me to love. It is HIS purpose for me to provide. It is HIS job, then, to work the "bad" things into good...not mine!

Just an aside, I am choosing to NOT use The Message interpretation this time. While I LOVE that interpretation, the meaning of the scripture is implicit, not explicit...and I think this one deserves the explicit!

Romans 8:28 (NIV) And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

And we know...

~ to have knowledge or clear and certain perception, as of fact or truth.
~ to be cognizant or aware, as of some fact, circumstance, or occurrence; have information, as about something.

...that in all things...

~ the whole quantity or amount
~ the whole number; every one
~ everything

...God works...

~ to use or manage
~ to bring about
~ to manipulate or treat
~ to put into effective operation
~ to operate
~ to carry on operations
~ to make, fashion, or execute
~ to achieve or win by work or effort

...for the good...

~ profit or advantage; worth; benefit
~ excellence or merit; kindness
~ moral righteousness; virtue

...of those who love Him...

~ a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
~ a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection

...who have been called...

~ To order or request to undertake a particular activity or work; summon

....according to...

~ in agreement, unity, or harmony with
~ to make to agree or correspond; to suit one thing to another; to adjust

...His purpose.

~ the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.
~ an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal.
~ determination; resoluteness.
~ the subject in hand; the point at issue.
~ practical result, effect, or advantage

So, all of the things that I've gone through with Moob and the nastiness it's caused me, those things will work together for good, by God, because I live Him and have lived in agreement with His purposes for me.

Of that, I can be sure!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Day One-Hundred-Fourteen...Promise Number Two

John 14:15 & 16 (NIV)

"If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever.

The Message:

If you love me, show it by doing what I've told you. I will talk to the Father, and he'll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you.

If you love me...

~ a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
~ a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection

...show it...

~ to cause or allow to be seen
~ to explain or make clear
~ to make known to
~ to prove; demonstrate

...by doing...

~ to act or conduct oneself
~ to perform
~ to execute
~ to accomplish
~ to put forth

... what I've told you.

~ to announce or proclaim
~ to utter
~ to express in words
~ to reveal or divulge
~ to say plainly or positively
~ to inform
~ to bid, order, or command

...I will talk to the Father...

~ to communicate or exchange ideas, information, etc., by speaking
~ to consult or confer
~ a conference or negotiating session

... and he'll provide you...

~ to make available; furnish
~ to supply or equip
~ to afford or yield
~ to take measures with due foresight
~ to make arrangements for supplying means of support, money, etc.
~ to supply means of support

...another Friend...

~ a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard
~ a person who gives assistance
~ a person who is on good terms with another

... so that you will always...

~ every time; on every occasion; without exception
~ all the time; continuously; uninterruptedly
~ forever
~ in any event; at any time; if necessary

...have someone with you.

~ accompanied by; accompanying

Promise Number Three, Next!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Day One-Hundred-Thirteen...God Is Good

All The Time!

I have to tell myself that because, if I don't, I'll end up crying. And, while my faith is being shaken, stirred, rumbled around and pounded upon, I WILL stand firm on the promises of God.

Promise Number 1) My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in Glory in Christ Jesus.

As I read this in the NIV, it said exactly what I thought it would say. God shall supply all your needs. But, reading it in the Message, it says something different to me: "You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus." Let's look at this:

You can be sure...

~ free from doubt as to the reliability, character, action, etc., of something
~ confident, as of something expected
~ convinced, fully persuaded, or positive
~ assured or certain beyond question: a sure victory.
~ worthy of confidence; reliable; stable: a sure messenger.
~ unfailing; never disappointing expectations: a sure cure.
~ unerring; never missing, slipping, etc.: a sure aim.
~ admitting of no doubt or question: sure proof.
~ destined; bound inevitably; certain

...that God will...

~ expected or required to
~ determined or sure to

...take care of...

~ to act on; deal with; attend to

...everything...

~ every thing or particular of an aggregate or total; all

...you need...

~ a requirement, necessary duty, or obligation
~ a lack of something wanted or deemed necessary
~ urgent want, as of something requisite
~ necessity arising from the circumstances of a situation or case
~ a situation or time of difficulty; exigency
~ a condition marked by the lack of something requisite
~ destitution; extreme poverty

...his generosity...

~ readiness or liberality in giving

...exceeding even yours...

~ to go beyond in quantity, degree, rate, etc.: to exceed the speed limit.
~ to go beyond the bounds or limits of: to exceed one's understanding.
~ to surpass; be superior to; excel
~ to be greater, as in quantity or degree.
~ to surpass others; excel or be superior.

...in the glory...

~ very great praise, honor, or distinction bestowed by common consent; renown
~ something that is a source of honor, fame, or admiration; a distinguished ornament or an object of pride
~ adoring praise or worshipful thanksgiving
~ resplendent beauty or magnificence
~a state of great splendor, magnificence, or prosperity
~ a state of absolute happiness, gratification, contentment, etc

...that pours...

~ To stream or flow continuously or profusely.
~ To rain hard or heavily

...from Jesus.

Ok, NOW it says something VERY different. I have always loved language and it's been difficult for me to really read Scriptures without hearing my Sunday School teachers reciting them without any feeling or emotion. So, to read the Message version, then look up the significant words, helps me to really 'get' what the meaning of a scripture really is. Do I do that with every Scripture? No. Jesus wept. It's pretty self-explanatory! But, when a Scripture is brought to my mind or given to me by a friend, I like to delve into it and glean the root meaning. It makes it SO much easier to apply to my life.

Promies 2, tomorrow!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Day One-Hundred-Twelve...Update

1) It's over. The mess I've been in with ex-roomie is finally over. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

2) I got a job. I'm now an on-call Personal Support Advocate for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing clients with the Volunteers of America, Greenwood. What does that mean? Well, it means I get to hang out with some pretty cool people, helping them with their daily lives, teaching them to be independent in their living arrangements. Right now, it's only on-call, but it can develop into a full time and permanent position. And, because of my ASL background, I get a higher level of pay. No benefits right now, but as I accrue more hours, those will become available.

3) Just had an interview with a school district just South of me. It's for a middle school EBD program. EBD, for those of who who are not in Special Education, stands for Emotionally and Behaviorally Disabled. According to Wikipedia, EBD "is a broad category which is used commonly in educational settings, to group a range of more specific perceived difficulties of children and adolescents. Both general definitions as well as concrete diagnosis of EBD may be controversial as the observed behaviour may depend on many factors." So, basically it is a class for students with behavior and emotional disorders or issues that seriously impede their learning within a general classroom setting. It'd be a challenge, but I think I'm up for it. I met with the Principal and the Director of Special Services today for a screening interview. They're doing the screening this week, then second interviews next week and offering the job by Friday of next week (August 22)...which is good because classes start September 3rd!

4) I haven't heard back about the .6 ASL job. I fear that they called my previous district and got a bad reference. I really want THIS job over any other I've applied for. It's perfect for me. And, the Principal seemed to be into me and my skills, even commenting that with my Special Education background, they probably would be able to find other duties for me to make it full time. And, I know the other 2 ASL teachers, so, we could collaborate together, aligning our classes to produce quality education and students who are able to communicate with each other on the same levels. I'm not giving up hope, but I'd like to know soon so I can get my stuff together!

5) I still have no money...

6) I'll start subbing in the fall. I am back on the sub list for all 3 districts I was working for last year.

7) I've started reading Matthew and Psalms. My girlfriends have started encouraging me to get back into the Bible. I'm sure that's why I've been feeling all nasty in my spirit.

Ok...that's all for now.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Day One-Hundred-Eleven...Fed Up

I totally don't know what to say. I was doing SO well. I had even stopped dreaming about ex-roomie. But, yesterday, ex-roomie's new roomie made a comment on MySpace that showed her TRUE personality and character.

It just seems like one . . . thing . . . after . . . another

. . . after . . . another

. . . after . . . another.

I was forced to move out of my home.

I just now got my belongings out of storage.

I have no job.

I have no money.

I have no food.

I'm on public assistance . . . read that: food stamps

My dad has been sick for nearly 6 months . . . from a bleeding ulcer . . . from the stress of all this crap.

He's been out of work for months, too . . . just now getting back to it.

We have a house payment due in a week and no money to pay it.

I've had interview upon interview, but no job.

I've been trying to help outside with the renovation project.

It's been too hot to work outside very much for me.

I just got all my furniture in the back yard yesterday.

It rained last night.

My boxes got wet.

It rained today.

My furniture got wet.

Ex-roomie has flared her ugly head again . . . this time through ex-roomie's new roomie.

New roomie accused me of purposefully stealing her son's board games.

New roomie accused me of being un-Christian-like.

Then, ex-roomie has drug my character and relationship with Christ through the mud.

She's proclaiming to be a Christian and that it is her "duty to spread the Word and lead others who have strayed from God's path."

She's accusing me of stealing things that got packed in my belongings when I was forced to move.
She's accusing me of being jealous of my Dad "adopting her as another daughter".

She's accusing me of sinning against her 11 year old daughter (who I had a MUCH closer relationship with than she EVER had . . . I taught her how to put a tampon in, prayed for her when she had cramps, cuddled with when she was missing her father, brought up from a 1st grade reading level to a 5th grade reading level in less than 2 years . . . you get the picture) by putting the item she accused me of stealing (a baptism dress that ex-roomie asked to store in my closet at that house) out in the rain and ruining it out of spite and in an attempt to "pay her back".

She is lecturing me on repentence and forgiveness.

She is pointing out how un-Christian I am being.

I'm just trying to get on with my life.

I have no money for my meds . . . and I NEED those meds.

I've defaulted on 2 credit cards because I've had no money.

I had to drop out of school because of all these situations.

I'm so tired of this . . .

I've never wanted to say screw everything, screw everyone, I'm taking my ball and leaving!

I so need a vacation . . .

I almost would like to just up and move . . . far, far away, and never see anyone again.

Sigh . . .

So, my faith is on the rocks . . . .no, not like whisky on the rocks, more like rocky terrain. My belief in human kindness is shaken. My desire to reach out and offer myself to others is squelched. My will to pick myself up and move on is waivering. My belief that when I do something for someone else, that is a good thing and that those investments in the lives of my friends will someday have a return.

I'm definitely at a crossroads.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . .

I try to keep a happy face . . .

I try to remain strong for my family . . .

I try to maintain my faith . . .

I don't think I can do it anymore . . .

I'm not strong enough . . .

I'm not going to off myself, but I might just break down.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Day One-Hundred-Ten...Reconnecting

So, I've reconnected with several people from my past...both those I never thought I'd see again and those I thought wouldn't ever remember me! I reconnected with one girl I went to elementary school with! LOL!

I've also reached outside of my comfort zone and applied for some jobs that I never thought I'd like to do. In fact, I had an interview for an Advocate for Adults with Developmental Disabilities and who are Deaf. Perfect! I should know on Monday or Tuesday if I get that.

I also had my interview for that .6 ASL position. I should know by next Friday. And, the principal of the high school I'd be working at was at the interview. I asked if there were other duties I could add to the .6 to make it closer to full time. He said, without hesitation, "With your Special Education background and experience, most likely." I was pleasantly surprised! In fact, I looked at the teacher's schedule from last year (2007-2008) and, if I take that teacher's place, I'd actually teach 2 classes of Life Skills and 3 classes of ASL, with 1 period for planning. That'd be awesome!

Ok...so hungry! Getting some food! Then going to bed!

G'nite!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Day One-Hundred-Nine...Interview

I have an interview tomorrow for an ASL position tomorrow. It's only a .6, but it's better than nothing. And, it has benefits, so...

If y'all think about it, please pray that God's will be done.

I'll keep you posted!